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So, I’m finding myself at a really interesting crossroads in my life right now. I’m going to try and keep this vague so that I don’t harm anyone’s particular sensibilities, but I know that some people who are close to me will be able to figure out what I’m talking about and will kinda get at what I’m about to say. But here goes! As I always say, people deserve to see me as I am and they deserve to learn just that extra little bit about me.

I put this really eloquently to my roommate, Jay Cooper, the other day. “When opportunity comes knocking, how do you know whether it is the right time or not? Is now the right time? Or is it time to wait?” I’ve known quite a few people in my life who… to be honest… just sat around waiting. They sat in a place they didn’t want to be for too long, waiting for the ‘right time.’ I’d talk to them, and they’d talk about how much they’re tired of the place they’re in and that they don’t want to be there, but when I encourage them to move on and see if they can get anything better, the time just ‘isn’t right.’ They don’t feel the call. They don’t see the open door. Or maybe they don’t want to go and open their own door… but that’s a different perspective.

Point is, my experience shows me that people languish when they wait for the right moment to seize opportunity. From the outside, you kinda end up wondering why they’re allowing themselves to stay stuck, and stuck is the way that you see it. I imagine that, on the inside looking out, it’s more like trying to see through a foggy lense, and the uncertainty just bites at you and you don’t know how to act, much less open your own doors or make your own destiny.

That’s how I’m kinda seeing it now. This whole journal is based around my profession. Let me lay some context, first.

My first job was working as a pizza delivery driver for Pizza Hut. My mom was the one who suggested it to me, and much as I dismissed it at first, I eventually took that on and I didn’t and don’t regret it. I grew up as a driver working that job. When you’re having to drive on a schedule, how and when and where you drive suddenly becomes a lot more important. But that is not a job you stay in and I was very much ready to move on the first moment it came. Opportunity (college) knocked and I moved on and didn’t look back.

My second (unique) job – as I consider it – was working at Jiffy Lube doing basic car maintenance. Much like pizza delivery, it’s low brow work and it doesn’t require educated skill, not really. But it was worthy for me. You’re working to keep people’s cars in shape, and that keeps them moving around. That keeps money moving around, which keeps the economy moving around. I dunno, but I found it really rewarding in its own way. Plus, I got my hands dirty and walked around a lot and kept in shape doing that kind of work. And I learned an awful lot about cars and learned a great respect for maintaining what you have. I’ve seen what badly maintained cars look like, and I’ve seen the people who drive them. It’s not entirely pretty (for the people, it’s mostly that you see them and you know that they are stuck with what they have and regret it). But again, that’s not a job that you stay in and I was ready to move on. When I did, I didn’t look back.

My third job was working for an ESL (English as a Second Language) school in Seoul, South Korea. Notice that’s South Korea. Not North Korea for you knuckle draggers. South Korea. That was also a very rewarding job, and it taught me a lot about myself and a lot about humans in general. It’s really weird when you see the humans when they’re small. They’re not really all that different than they are when they’re adults. The fights are over smaller things. That’s really the only difference when it comes down to it. We, as adults, fight with the same emotions that we fought with when we were little. And the fights are resolved much in the same way, with reason and mediation. Or they aren’t! You never quite know with those odd humans. And I learned about myself because I found out how I could have patience and see things for the long haul rather than for the short haul. When you teach people, you don’t think about where they’ll be tomorrow, you think about where they’ll be in a month, or even a year. Teaching is a slow thing, and you don’t and shouldn’t expect everything to change overnight. Again, ultimately, I found an ending point, and when I found it I moved on and didn’t look back.

But now, I find myself in my current profession. I love what I do. I love who I do it with. especially my boss. I love the product and I love what it is able to do for people. I love the role that I play in delivering and moderating that product for the people who use it, and it means a lot to me that I’m able to make a difference and have made a difference where it counts. The weird thing is that I’ve suddenly found opportunity knocking when I don’t feel done yet. In the past, I would feel done, and I would move on and not look back, right? Now, though, it’s like opportunity knocks early, and it knocks everywhere. Doors are open all over the place and it’s like the whole world asks “What are you waiting for? Why are you standing still? Move! Opportunity knocks!” But I’m not done! If I move on now, will I look back? Will I regret? And ohhh, how I’m stuck wondering if I will like the new place I find myself in if I did take that opportunity. Or that one. Or that other one. It’s definitely an odd place I find myself in.

I’m stuck. I’m stuck between “languishing in wait for the opportunity to your dreams is bad” and loyalty to the company that has given me more meaning  – and has done more to help me find my confidence – than any institution in my entire life. This is saying nothing about all of the awesome awesomeness that is the culture and the team and the people that I work with every day. That is a hard, hard loyalty to beat. And having to question that in lieu of the knocking opportunities grows more and more and more difficult by the day. And feeling that I would be betraying that very personal, emotional loyalty for what – quite honestly – feels like a material craving makes my heart ache and my stomach churn.

This is weird, right? I’m talking about a job! Jobs shouldn’t define you to this level and shouldn’t affect you like this! In this day and age, no one has loyalty anymore, and people jump at the job that offers the most pay/benefits. But I guess I don’t quite think that way, and it’s a hard thing to reconcile.

In the end, the ‘opportunities’ that I’m talking about haven’t materialized and I’m not yet willing to take action on them. They’ve only been on my mind, and it’s good that they have been. My perspective on things is that you are made better by your struggles, and the more you think about a taxing thing, the better you are prepared to face it. But I honestly fear that possible day when I talk to my boss and tell him that I have made other plans to move on. And I honestly think that it would break my heart to do so.

And that is the effect that opportunity has on me at this point in my life.

I found this draft in my admin panel tonight. Since I haven’t updated this blog in a while, I figure I’ll post this for the world to see. I originally wrote this on January 27, 2014.

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I’ve been suffering something of a quiet agony for the past week or two. It’s been a weird sort of resurgence in my depressive tendencies and it has a lot of sources. Some are immediate and work related, and others are more long term issues that I’ve been dealing with for a very long time.

I had a thought the other night, though. I’m always worried about my reputation, and about how others might see me, and what people really think but never tell me. I’m also very introspective and constantly thinking and re-thinking and overthinking all of my thoughts, actions, beliefs, reactions, etc, sometimes to the point of feeling ill. So, I tend to be well aware of my faults (as I see them), and I’m sensitive enough to have an idea on whether others pick up on them as well.

Lately, I’ve come face to face with a couple of situations where I have done someone harm and have either caused hurt, have been disliked, or have just been tolerated. This has set off something of a mini-firestorm in my head of reviewing and analyzing all of my social interactions to try and get a grasp on where I’m failing, what I could do better, or what I need to do to feel happy and satisfied again.

Now, before you say to me, “Jesse, stop worrying!” or “Jesse, you’re overthinking things,” I know. I already know all that, so it doesn’t bear repeating. I think a fair thing to say is that I’m writing this all down, just like last time, so that you can know who I am and what makes me tick better than you did before.

And now I come to the crux of this little update. I’m going to write what I think someone in the world might think when I come into the room. If my worst fears about myself were realized on what others think of me, this is what they would say…

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That he’s arrogant! He’s so arrogant, and his ego barely fits in the room! You can just see it in the look on his face, that condescending face of his. Always looking down at people, scowling and glaring. It’s very difficult to get him to take interest in anything you want to talk about to, unless it has to so with him of course. Then you can’t really shut him up long enough to get a word in. I almost try to get the conversation going on something else as quickly as I can.

He really gives off this uncomfortable aura sometimes, of just kinda… I dunno. It’s like he doesn’t feel anything sometimes, or that he’s not there. Or that he won’t say or do what he feels and thinks, but I don’t know.

Sometimes you’ll try and be nice to him and make conversation with him. I have some friends who’ve tried it once or twice, and it’s virtually impossible to get him to engage! He’ll just throw some generic conversation at you before falling silent again. It’s the least engaging I’ve ever seen anyone.

Don’t get me started on how annoying he can be sometimes. Always asking questions and trying to butt into conversations or things we’re doing. He wasn’t a part of the conversation in the first place because he couldn’t be arsed to join in and engage, but then all of a sudden he’s right there wanting to chat? Nah.

I think probably the most frustrating thing I deal with him, is he’ll treat you like your scarcely worth his time for months on end, and then one day try to hit you up and be best buddies with you or something! You can never tell where you are with this guy, whether you’re a friend, someone he doesn’t care about, or what!

It’s just frustrating to deal with him sometimes. I’d be glad to have him as a friend really, he seems like a swell guy, but… Just.. All that is so off putting. I’d just sooner not deal with it.

I’m a bit conflicted about this post, mostly because I’m not sure what people will think about what I have to say. I’m sure that many of my friends will sympathize, and I’m sure that many more will probably have a better understanding of what makes me tick. I’m also fairly certain that a good number of people will think that this is pathetic and have no more a desire to be my friend than they did before. I guess my ultimate goal for this post is to educate, and if it helps me to feel closer to the people who matter then it will have success.

I guess I’ll start by saying that I’m really successful in a lot of the things that I do. I’m successful at work, with friends, at home, at school, and so forth. But I’m really really bad at being in relationships. Not friendships, per se, but serious committed relationships with potential partners that I’d want to get married to or something like that. I end up being one of those types who can do most any job and learn most any thing, and I make a swell friend, but I’ve turned out perpetually single and rather awkward.

I want to think that I don’t know why! I want to think that I’m just fine and that I’m somehow a victim of a prejudice or that I’m unlucky or something like that. Or that I just don’t know anyone or that no one really cares to get to know me for reasons that I don’t understand. But… if I’m honest with myself, that’s not entirely true. I can perceive some reasons why I’m single and awkward and remain single. Let me list what I think I understand:

1) I’m very shy, and don’t handle rejection well. In my normal work life, this means that I can take criticism a little harshly. I tend to over-adjust my behavior, act as my own worst critic, worry, fret, get worked up, and on and on. In relationships? It means that I never make a first move, or I feel so uncomfortable making any moves that I just don’t.

2) I hate annoying people. I don’t like feeling unwanted, so if I feel like I’m with someone who doesn’t want me around, then I escape. I don’t just leave, I escape that feeling, because it is so sooo uncomfortable. In friendships – or in trying to make friends – it often means that I don’t try, or if I do try I don’t try hard. Trying to chat with someone and they’re silent on the other end, or it seems like a chore for them to talk to me? I must be annoying them. Better go talk to someone else.

And of course there’s the whole “Oh, you don’t want to talk to me, well fuck you!” feeling, but the fear of being annoying is a very, very real phobia for me.

3) I am a horny, dirty minded guy. And I’m frustrated because I have no sex life at the moment. Can’t really say that I’ve had a fulfilling experience with any long term partner either. Quite the opposite, actually. This might turn some people off, sound silly, or just plain be Too-Much-Information, but this is a really big deal for me. Like, agonizing. And I don’t want anyone to see this. I don’t want anyone to know that this is such a big deal, so I suppress it and try my hardest not to show anyone that I’m quite willing or quite available. I don’t want anyone to look at me like I’m some sort of pervert, or that sexual satisfaction is one of the most important things that I’m looking for (to me anyway).

You might start seeing a pattern of hiding appearing. Yeah, I’m kinda seeing it too.

4) I reject anyone who seems interested in me. And this is depressing too! I do have some people who are interested in being a partner, and they’re also quite available and quite single. And I reject them because I don’t like them, or I don’t feel comfortable with their attitude, or I’m just not comfortable with the idea of being with them. And – what tends to happen – a few months later when I’m feeling particularly frustrated (see 3) I nearly always regret it.

Now, I could come back and say that I’m just very very selective with who I’d want to be with, and there are people out there that I would like to try and be with. I can think of a few. But it turns out that I generally don’t get interested attention from the people that I’ve already selected, and I’m not brave enough to approach them and express any interest myself (See the previous 3 points).

5) Anyone that I’m really able to connect with on some level is already in a relationship or otherwise unavailable. This one kinda carries good and depressing. I know that I can make a relationship work and I know that I can, in fact, connect with someone very personally and intimately. But nearly always, they’re in a relationship already or married. This has probably been the case at least a half dozen times, and it’s depressing all on its own. It kinda turns into a case of only falling in love with something that you can’t have.

 

When I look at all of this, I wanna ask myself — others can do it, but why can’t I? Honestly, I kinda know the answer. I’m extremely selective, very shy, awkward, not-forward with my desires, and afraid. And, I think, most people don’t see that because I put my respectful self forward. Can’t offend anyone because I’m frustrated. Don’t want to annoy anyone or act like a shallow slutty guy, or ruin my image of the mature, level-headed, likable, unique and eccentric young man.

I get the sense that most people don’t know that I’m even looking to be in a relationship or that it is such an enormous strain and anguish in my life. My worst fear is growing old, to be 60 or so, and to not have had the joy of being in love with a partner that I could spend the rest of my life with, or to give grandkids to my parents. I’ll just be some old, cold, dried out soul who never knew what it was like to feel that way about someone, and I’ll have to live with that and all the times that I’ve been told:

“Do you have anyone in your life?”

“I don’t believe that,” when I say I’ve not been with anyone in almost 2 years.

“You’re so young and handsome and you don’t have a girlfriend?” some strangers from when I was 16.

“You like cuddling too much to not get in a relationship and get married,” also when I was young (it’s true).

“Did you get any Korean girlfriends?” various people when I talk about living there (the answer is no, not even close).

 

Time now to wrap this up. I’ve recently found that many people are… actually interested in what I have to say. People read my blog posts and comment on how full of insight they are, and I start to get the sense that I really have been hiding from everyone, and that when I start showing people what I think and how I feel about things their perception of me grows a little and it’s like they wanted that all along. So if you’re reading this, I honestly just want you to know me better and know one of the things that makes me tick (with an awkward rattle). I’m here. I’m just scared.

 

Touchy subject, love is! A lot of young people, and old people, haven’t quite figured out what love is all about, or what it’s supposed to mean about a relationship between two human beings. I’d like to think that I’ve got it figured out to a certain degree, but I’m probably pretty far off the mark. Nah… that may not be true either, since the meaning of love changes depending on who you talk to and depending on their experiences and the people that they know.

I guess it really comes down to this. Love doesn’t really have a single definition or a secret. It’s something that depends on who you are and who you know. I hope that this makes sense, cuz it’s kinda fuzzy in my head at the moment. Who you are defines how much you want others to give to you, or how much you expect others to love you. I mean, it really plays a big part in what you expect from others in order to feel loved, if that makes sense. And who you know plays a big role too, because if you know people who have the same type of expectations as you do then you’re quite likely to find the love that you have always wanted. Meanwhile, if you know people who have different ideas and expectations on what love means, then you’re likely to feel confused and lost in the grand scheme of things.

Dear God, that doesn’t seem to make much sense does it? Maybe it will. I would hope so. I could sum it up exactly the way that I introduced it; it really depends on who you are and who you know.

I can say for sure that I feel extremely blessed to be who I am right now. I have very close friends that I love very much and feel no qualms in saying that. They might be married or in relationships, but I don’t have to feel any sort of shame or hide my feelings when I say that I love these people. I’ll put their names below:

Chris

Jen

Jay

Darren

Might seem a bit braggart, and you’d probably feel right to feel that way. For me, though, I’ve gone through a large part of my life up to this point not knowing what it felt like to be loved by people outside my family, and it really makes a big difference in my life to have met random people I love and who love me back. I mean, a really big difference. 

So, I guess this is the part where I talk about what love means to me? That’s a tough task, actually! Like, I know who the people are that I love, but I wouldn’t be able to tell you why I love them the way that I do or why they earned my love like they did. But what comes to mind, now that I think about it, aren’t parts of their personalities, but rather the things that they were willing and happy to do for me.

Like, ok, let’s take Darren. He was a source of happiness when I was living in a foreign country and was horribly depressed. And I got to visit him once and had awesome cuddly time with him, and we did a lot of things together, just him and me, and had deep dish pizza and watched movies and shared things and it was all kinds of awesome. It’s just so cool that I have someone that I can share things with and they laugh and get it and want more of that.

And then we can take Jen, who drew me a picture when I was sad, and tells me that she misses me, and is happy when I’m around and listens to the things to say. And I never feel impatient at her or upset or anything like that. Which is weird because I don’t see myself as giving most people the privilege of my patience like I do with her. It’s like no one wanted to give her any patience and I see it as my mission to give her just a little bit of understanding and patience and time.

And I could probably wax poetic about all of my friends and go on and on about how I love them for whatever reason I do. But at this point, I’m not sure that I can really bring this to a point that would be all encompassing and revealing, so I’ll draw this to a close. Love, for me, is not tied to marriage or some sort of relationship. Love is recognizing someone who matches me in some sort of way, like a puzzle piece that makes my life more complete. Recognizing that someone is having a positive influence in my life and that my life would be less than what it is if they didn’t exist. And when I finally learned how to recognize that and take my closest friends from that group, I wasn’t depressed any more, and I learned how to be happy again.