I found this draft in my admin panel tonight. Since I haven’t updated this blog in a while, I figure I’ll post this for the world to see. I originally wrote this on January 27, 2014.
I’ve been suffering something of a quiet agony for the past week or two. It’s been a weird sort of resurgence in my depressive tendencies and it has a lot of sources. Some are immediate and work related, and others are more long term issues that I’ve been dealing with for a very long time.
I had a thought the other night, though. I’m always worried about my reputation, and about how others might see me, and what people really think but never tell me. I’m also very introspective and constantly thinking and re-thinking and overthinking all of my thoughts, actions, beliefs, reactions, etc, sometimes to the point of feeling ill. So, I tend to be well aware of my faults (as I see them), and I’m sensitive enough to have an idea on whether others pick up on them as well.
Lately, I’ve come face to face with a couple of situations where I have done someone harm and have either caused hurt, have been disliked, or have just been tolerated. This has set off something of a mini-firestorm in my head of reviewing and analyzing all of my social interactions to try and get a grasp on where I’m failing, what I could do better, or what I need to do to feel happy and satisfied again.
Now, before you say to me, “Jesse, stop worrying!” or “Jesse, you’re overthinking things,” I know. I already know all that, so it doesn’t bear repeating. I think a fair thing to say is that I’m writing this all down, just like last time, so that you can know who I am and what makes me tick better than you did before.
And now I come to the crux of this little update. I’m going to write what I think someone in the world might think when I come into the room. If my worst fears about myself were realized on what others think of me, this is what they would say…
That he’s arrogant! He’s so arrogant, and his ego barely fits in the room! You can just see it in the look on his face, that condescending face of his. Always looking down at people, scowling and glaring. It’s very difficult to get him to take interest in anything you want to talk about to, unless it has to so with him of course. Then you can’t really shut him up long enough to get a word in. I almost try to get the conversation going on something else as quickly as I can.
He really gives off this uncomfortable aura sometimes, of just kinda… I dunno. It’s like he doesn’t feel anything sometimes, or that he’s not there. Or that he won’t say or do what he feels and thinks, but I don’t know.
Sometimes you’ll try and be nice to him and make conversation with him. I have some friends who’ve tried it once or twice, and it’s virtually impossible to get him to engage! He’ll just throw some generic conversation at you before falling silent again. It’s the least engaging I’ve ever seen anyone.
Don’t get me started on how annoying he can be sometimes. Always asking questions and trying to butt into conversations or things we’re doing. He wasn’t a part of the conversation in the first place because he couldn’t be arsed to join in and engage, but then all of a sudden he’s right there wanting to chat? Nah.
I think probably the most frustrating thing I deal with him, is he’ll treat you like your scarcely worth his time for months on end, and then one day try to hit you up and be best buddies with you or something! You can never tell where you are with this guy, whether you’re a friend, someone he doesn’t care about, or what!
It’s just frustrating to deal with him sometimes. I’d be glad to have him as a friend really, he seems like a swell guy, but… Just.. All that is so off putting. I’d just sooner not deal with it.